Its nearly 4 in the morning.
I've
just woken up. its raining really hard outside.
I just had a weird dream.
I
wont say I had a nightmare, because my nightmares tend to involve unsettling
violence and/or me dangling precariously from tall or unsteady structures.
I don't
know why but I decided to write sum stuff down. I have a feeling its all about
to get terribly self indulgent. If it is am sorry. Feel free not to read my
ramblings.
If
you are reading this as someone I used to date them maybe stop.
I
wanted to call this blog, "Letters to ex boyfriends." But I've never
had a boyfriend. But I have had a few guys with whom I felt close enough for
them to potentially be my boyfriend. But in the end I never made the grade with
any of them. So if I do use the term "Boyfriend" I use it VERY loosely
indeed.
When
I woke up I scrabbled around for a piece of paper and a pen that worked. Opened
the curtains so I could see what I was writing and wrote 4 pages of a4 by the
light of my phone. This is what I wrote. changing the guys names. lets call the
first one Rob.
____________________________________________________________________
I
Hadn't seen you in the flesh for over a year. That last time I saw you, you
were near my old place, by the bus stop.
It was raining and you had nice jeans
on and a hoody. You were walking what I'll presume was either you, or your
boyfriends dog. A big spotty thing like a Dalmatian. you looked really cute,
even at that time in the morning in the rain. You smiled at me shyly. That
wonky smile I used to love so much.
I wanted to talk to you but it was raining
pretty hard. Before that it had been about three or four years since we parted
ways. and it wasn't on good terms. You did that thing you always used to do of
just vanishing without apology or explanation. It was the first time I knew
what a broken hurt felt like. We don't live in the same town so its extremely
rare to see you out and about.
Last night I
dreamt I saw you in the leisure centre. I had just finished in the gym. you were
in the cafe. well actually the bar. which is odd because the leisure centre doesn't
have a bar in it any more. In reality they turned it into a crèche. it looked
like they had moved a bar and a few stools into the dimly lit corridor I walk
through most days.
You
had what used to be my favourite jumper on. I accidentally left it in one of
your shopping bags once whilst we went to the pub for a drink. I never did get
it back.
Never
did stop fancying you. or thinking about you.
I
see you sat up at the bar with a drink in your hand. Even though I'd love to say
hello and sit next to you. Have a drink, catch up. My instinct tells me that
things wont be different this time. That you'll never tell me any of the things
I want to know.
So I
don't stop. You look up as I walk past. I meet your eye and carry on walking. As
I am nearing the end of the corridor I glance back, and meet your eye again.
I
stop.
I consider
my options.
I
breathe, and think "fuck it." maybe this time is the right time. Maybe
now we can finally have that chat I've been wanting to have for years.
I
turn around and walk toward you. You look up from your drink, clearly drunk. Oh
shit, I think. This was a bad idea after all. You never could hold your drink.
Three double vodkas and you were hammered. I wish I was that cheap a date.
Think of the money I'd save.
"Let
me guess..." you slur, with that vicious drunk smile I used to know so
well. " You want to have a little chat, maybe tell me I'm too drunk."
He
hasn't changed at all.
"Maybe
you want to walk me home safely? Or take me back to yours so you can fuck me?"
(I
did take him back to mine once, I had to drag him like a corpse out of the taxi
he was so drunk. this was on our first date.)
I
can feel the sting of anger start inside me, its sharp like heartburn.
"Never
got the chance last time did you." he sneered.
Hot
silent tears run down my face. I shake my head without words.
It
is at this moment I suddenly remember that time you stood me up AGAIN for a
date. How the barmaid looked at me with pity after three hours of putting a
brave face on it and making excuses for you. How I sat in the bath and cried
that night. when I knew no one was in, and I knew no one could hear me.
"god"
he said " you're pathetic."
I
turn to walk away.
He
puts on a whiney voice pretending to be me, and as I walk away shouts "But
why didn't you love me back?"
I
stop and turn to face him, wiping tears from my eyes.
"Because
you were so fucking needy". He said soberly and quietly.
At
this point I consider how different this meeting might have gone had he been in
a good mood and sober. when he was sober and in good spirits he was a joy to be
around.
I
turn around to leave. walking away I remember the day he told me he loved me. Outside
that pub near the taxi rank in town. And I wander where all that love he had
for me went? why? And why I had never been given an explanation.
Then I woke up. feeling un settled, and cold
________________________________________________________________________________
This dream makes him sound like a mentalist. He's not. He's a pretty nice guy so i hear. The content of my dream has SO much more to do than my mind set rather than any reflection on him as a person. We dont speak anymore but i think of him fondly and am always there for him if he wants me. And I hope he knows that. At base of it he's a really good person I just wish he had let me get to know him properly.
